


i'll pray for you

by chocomissile (rvnqn)



Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Injury, Fix-It, Gen, Implied Transphobia, Implied/Referenced CSA, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drugging, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Intrusive Thoughts, Mentions of Pedophilia, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Relapsing, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Self-Worth Issues, Therapy, Trans Male Character, aira and shinobu get mentioned a few times, bc i don't know much about how it's handled in japan, for the most part this is going to be an episodic fic, hiiro gets mentioned, implied tatsumayo, mayoi confronts his trauma and feelings, mayoi is trans, mayoi is traumatized and gross but he wants to get better, mentions of the shinkai cult, this fic will have a western perspective when it comes to therapy, this is kind of self-indulgent i just want to see him get help
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-14
Updated: 2020-06-19
Packaged: 2021-03-03 03:08:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,052
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24177907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rvnqn/pseuds/chocomissile
Summary: Tatsumi encourages Mayoi to seek therapy.---A series of short chapters involving Mayoi's visits with a therapist.
Comments: 37
Kudos: 71





	1. first day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to preface this fic by saying that we should acknowledge that mayoi's thoughts and feelings are gross. but they do not make him a bad person. while he might be gross now, mayoi can still develop past his current feelings and grow, and i want us all to remember that.  
> this fic was and is being written with the intent to pass on the message that no matter what, it's never too late to seek help. this won't be a pleasant fic, for the most part. it will cover some subject matter that might trigger people, and i want you all to know that if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, you can step back and stop reading, and skip chapters if you have to. i do not know how long this fic will go on. i just felt like experimenting with mayoi's character.  
> regardless, and apologies for the sappy preamble, i hope you enjoy this fic and i hope that, if you, yourself, are suffering from unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or past traumas, this fic will inspire you to go and seek help for yourself. because it is never too late to find it, and you are deserving of it.

Mayoi shifted uncomfortably in his chair as he waited for his name to be called, hand tightly clutching Tatsumi's and blue-green eyes darting from the floor to the clock on the wall. He was a complete and utter wreck. He wasn't even sure if someone as reprehensible and vile as him should even be in the lobby of a psychiatric clinic. Surely, he was too far gone, right? His impulses were utterly disgusting - he wouldn't be surprised if the therapist Tatsumi had set an appointment with for him would judge him and call him scum. That's what anyone would do if he were honest with people about how he felt...

Well, everyone aside from Tatsumi, who had showed him nothing but unconditional support, and the one who had encouraged him to seek out help in the first place, saying, "I'm glad you told me, but confessing to me can only help so much. I'm not trained for this sort of thing."

The green-haired young man beside him gave him a small smile of reassurance, squeezing his gloved hand gently before speaking, "It'll be okay, Mayoi-san. I'm here to support you, even if I can't help completely," His voice was gentle, and it soothed Mayoi's nerves, even if only a little bit. "I know this is hard, but I'll be here waiting for you when you get out."

"Ah... Are you sure, Tatsumi-san? W-what if they can't help me? I'm so disgusting, so _awful_ , I don't understand why anyone would--" He was cut off by Tatsumi shushing him, a tender look in his eyes.

"It's their job to help, Mayoi-san. They won't judge you. The therapist I contacted assured me that this isn't the first time they've handled a case like yours."

Their conversation was cut short as an _"Ayase Mayoi?"_ sounded through the air. Hesitating for a moment, Mayoi slowly stood up, glancing back at his companion, who gave him an encouraging smile and uttered an 'I'll be praying for you', before looking at the person who had called his name - a woman who appeared to be in her late thirties who was also smiling at him. "I'm Dr. Yamada, and I'll be your therapist. Please, follow me."

* * *

Dr. Yamada's office was surprisingly a lot more comfortable than what Mayoi had expected. Rather than a clinical, pure white room with a set of chairs and a desk, the purple-haired young man was met with what essentially felt like a living room, complete with a bookshelf and a little box of soothing items on top of it; she'd told him before he sat down that he was free to take something from it to keep his hands busy during the session, and he had taken her up on the offer, rummaging through the box and retrieving a stress ball from it. He kept his eyes to the floor, giving the ball in his hand a squeeze before the therapist spoke in a kind, lighthearted tone, "What brought you into my office today, Mayoi-san? Besides your friend arranging your appointment, of course."

Mayoi peeked up at the woman nervously, biting at his lip. He didn't have to spill his thoughts and feelings out immediately, right? These would be regular visits, after all. He'd just open up more when he felt ready. "... I've been suffering from some... Unpleasant thoughts. Many unpleasant thoughts. I don't know where to even start..." He started, his gaze training itself back on the carpeted floor of Dr. Yamada's office. "I didn't have a very good childhood, and I've been dealing with gender dysphoria ever since I was young. I'm sorry for troubling you with this..."

"Did your parents support how you felt?"

Mayoi stayed silent for a long time before he replied with a shake of his head. "...T-they didn't. I don't blame them, though. Their child was born a monster, after all."

The therapist hummed thoughtfully, writing things down on the paper on her clipboard. "You're far from a monster, Mayoi-san. We're going to fix the way you feel about yourself together, alright? You're free to open up as much as you want, whenever you want. I will not judge you, but I do want you to tell me a little more about what kind of thoughts you have. You don't have to go into full detail, but I would like an idea of what I'm working with."

The young man winced. While he knew fully well that telling her would be for his own good, it didn't change the fact that being honest about his feelings make him feel sick to his stomach. He thought about Aira and Shinobu, and all the other young boys he had impure thoughts about. It made him feel vile, but he knew that he had to stop himself before it got out of hand, and to do that, he'd have to be honest. "Ah... I hope you don't mind if I start with the less disgusting ones first..."

"Whatever makes you feel the most comfortable."

"Alright... Ah, apologies in advance for this... For starters, I've had thoughts of harming myself, and I have acted upon those thoughts..." Mayoi's voice was shaking as he squeezed the stress ball in his hand. He felt close to tears as he spoke, his eyes starting to wander towards the scars that peeked from under his sleeve. "I have nightmares and flashbacks about my childhood regularly. And I've had... Disgusting thoughts towards younger people, boys mostly. Most worryingly, I've had these thoughts towards two people who are close to me. I've found myself nearly acting upon these thoughts, and I want to stop myself before I go too far."

The sound of Dr. Yamada's pen filled the silence as she made notes on everything Mayoi had told her. "Hmhm, I see, I see... I applaud you for coming today. I know it must be very hard for you to talk about these sorts of things, but know that you are not alone in how you feel. I hope our sessions can have a positive impact on you, Mayoi-san." She glanced up from her clipboard to give Mayoi a smile. "This is going to be a shorter session, since today is mostly about getting an idea of what you're going through and where your mind is at, but I want you to know that the fact you opened up as much as you did today makes all the difference."

"It does...?"

"Mhm. The first step to recovery is recognizing that you have a problem, and the fact that you have taken that step has only shown me that you are ready to start that journey."

Mayoi felt... Relieved? He felt like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders. So he wasn't too far gone. "Thank you, Dr. Yamada... You really, truly have no idea how much hope you've brought to filth like me..." He could feel his eyes starting to tear up, and he quickly brought up one of his hands to rub at them. He couldn't let himself cry in front of a stranger, much less a therapist. That would just be completely pathetic...

A small chuckle left the woman. "We're going to have to work on that self-deprecation, too, but I'm glad that I've given you hope. I'm sure it helps to have someone else to support you through this, too. Let's go ahead and wrap this up for today, and then when you come by next week, I'll have a planner for you to fill out with me so we can start working through your issues together at whatever pace feels right for you. Is that alright with you, Mayoi-san?"

"Y-yes, Dr. Yamada. Thank you again."

* * *

"Did it go alright, Mayoi-san?" Tatsumi spoke as they exited the building, his voice as kind as ever as he held one of Mayoi's hands. "Your eyes look a little red."

The purple-haired young man kept his eyes trained to the ground, silently cursing himself. Of course Tatsumi would notice. He was always observant when it came to Mayoi, always worrying and doting on him even when he didn't deserve it. "I-it went just fine, Tatsumi-san. I just got a little bit teary from stress and remembering some unpleasant things, that's all..."

"Mm, I understand... It must be hard to be reminded of what you've gone through." Mayoi felt the green-haired man squeezing his hand once again. It brought him peace every time he did. "I'm happy it went well, though. I'm proud of you for being brave enough to come here today."

"... Thank you, Tatsumi-san."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the idea of mayoi being born into the shinkai cult came from @mayoiworld on twitter. i really liked the idea and i hope they don't mind me using it for this fic.  
> additionally, the character of dr. yamada is not based on a real therapist, but more a combination of some therapists i've had in the past.  
> thank you for reading the first chapter of this fic.


	2. written down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mayoi opens up a little more about his childhood.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i want to preface this fic by saying that we should acknowledge that mayoi's thoughts and feelings are gross. but they do not make him a bad person. while he might be gross now, mayoi can still develop past his current feelings and grow, and i want us all to remember that.  
> this fic was and is being written with the intent to pass on the message that no matter what, it's never too late to seek help. this won't be a pleasant fic, for the most part. it will cover some subject matter that might trigger people, and i want you all to know that if you find yourself feeling uncomfortable, you can step back and stop reading, and skip chapters if you have to. i do not know how long this fic will go on. i just felt like experimenting with mayoi's character.  
> regardless, and apologies for the sappy preamble, i hope you enjoy this fic and i hope that, if you, yourself, are suffering from unpleasant thoughts, feelings, or past traumas, this fic will inspire you to go and seek help for yourself. because it is never too late to find it, and you are deserving of it.
> 
> this chapter covers some aspects and mentions of child abuse and self-harm. if these subjects upset you too much, then please feel free to step back for a moment or skip the chapter.

"... Dr. Yamada, I think I feel ready to tell you a little more about my childhood. Not- not all of it, yet... Just.. Some of it. The less disgusting parts. The parts I can remember better."

The woman perked up a bit, looking up from her clipboard at Mayoi, who was staring at the floor as usual, metal link puzzle busying his slightly-trembling hands. He'd been coming to these sessions for a few weeks now, developing ways to cope with his feelings and self-soothing techniques. She'd even given him a journal to keep track of how he feels every night, which Tatsumi helped him with, especially on nights where he wasn't doing to great. He wasn't doing terribly, either - the improvements were small, but they were evident. He was gradually getting better at not picking at his skin, and he would actually take his gloves off from time to time, something that he greatly disliked doing. He still had quite a ways to go; his self-deprecation and reflexive apologies were still ingrained in him, and some days he was a complete mess in her office, sobbing in hysterics because of something that happened that day, sometimes big, sometimes a series of small things that piled up and overwhelmed him. And that was okay. "Go on, Mayoi-san. I'm all ears."

The purple-haired young man swallowed hard before he glanced up at the therapist, continuing, "Aha... Well... This might sound a far-fetched, o-or fantastical, I'm sure - I wouldn't believe me either if I hadn't lived it. Sometimes I still don't!!" He gave her an apologetic smile, hands still busy with the puzzle. The truth was, he'd already solved it several times by now, so he was mostly messing around by putting it back together and taking it apart again to steady his nerves. "But... I was born into a cult. We, ah, worshiped someone who a lot of people believed could grant wishes or cause miracles..."

"Mm, I'm familiar with this cult. It's been brought to my attention a few times." Dr. Yamada said, writing something down with a gentle, almost solemn look on her face. "You're not the first client of mine who's a survivor of it."

Hearing that made Mayoi feel relieved. So he wasn't the only one who was traumatized by it... "T... That's good to hear... Um, so, my family... My family was a major part of it, back when it was still in it's prime. They held a lot of influence, so because of that, I had to deal with a lot of pressure not to mess up and ruin my family's image." Biting his lip, he thought hard about what he should and shouldn't share just yet. Talking about his family was hard for him. He hadn't seen them in so long, ever since they disowned and cut all ties with him the second he could fend for himself, for the most part. He felt as though even thinking about them would prompt them to find him and treat him like the utter trash he believed himself to be, as outlandish as he knew the thought was. "Of course, because of the pressure, I probably messed up a lot more... I learned very quickly how to hide my messes, since if I didn't, my parents would grab my hair, force my head to the floor, and make me apologize like the vermin I am... Sometimes, they'd do it so hard that it'd leave bruises on my forehead."

The therapist hummed in understanding as she kept writing, glancing up at the young man sitting before her once she finished. "You mentioned in our first visit that they didn't support you when you came out... Would you be willing to tell me a little more about that? As much as you're comfortable with."

"Ah, right... I told my parents that I felt more like a boy when I was around... 7 years old, I feel like... Both of them berated me for it. My mother, especially. The two of them started off with wishing to the 'god' to make me _normal_ , and when that didn't work, they'd scream at me and..." Mayoi trailed off, not wanting to finish that sentence. He didn't feel comfortable divulging that information yet. "... And when they were done, they'd lock me up in the basement. This was a recurring thing... They also started feeding me less and less. That's where I lived for most of my childhood, really... In the walls and in the basement, starving for food, like... Like some sort of household pest. It's fitting, really, considering that's how I turned out..! Nothing more than a filthy pest who lives inside the walls even now..."

"Mayoi-san, we've been over this..."

"I-I know. I need to stop putting myself down... I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'll try harder for you, Dr. Yamada." He bowed a little bit to punctuate his apology. "I really am trying to get better about it, but..."

Dr. Yamada gave him a reassuring smile. "I know, Mayoi-san. It's very hard to phase out language like that, especially if it's been instilled in you since you were young. We'll work on it, little by little."

Mayoi gave a sheepish little smile in return, glancing back down at his hands. He'd decided not to wear gloves today, and the past scars from his teeth and nails were on full display. He'd always thought they were hideous, but he couldn't stop himself from thinking back to what Tatsumi had said to him one day; _I think your hands are lovely, Mayoi-san. You're very good with them, you know?_

Something about the tender tone in the other's voice had kept those words lingering in his mind. Even someone like Tatsumi - pure, holy, reliable Tatsumi - could see beauty in him... It left him feeling a little bit dazed, really.

Maybe his hands weren't so bad.

"Um... That's all I really feel comfortable telling you about my childhood right now. I feel too anxious if I talk or think about them for too long... It sounds a bit silly, but sometimes I worry that talking about them too much will, I-I don't know... Bring them back into my life? That sounds stupid, I'm sure..." Mayoi let out a halfhearted, nervous laugh, glancing down at his feet. He knew fully well that Dr. Yamada wouldn't judge him - she was here to help, after all - but part of him expected judgement nonetheless. Instead, he was met with a warm, reassuring smile.

"It's not stupid at all. Many people who have been in situations similar to yours, whether it involves parents, an ex-lover, an awful boss or teacher, or a cult, have that sort of anxiety. It's a fairly common fear, far more than most people realize." The all-too familiar sound of pen scribbling on paper sounded through the air, dispelling any silence that could have settled between the two. "Your feelings aren't silly or wrong, but do know that they can't find you just from your thoughts alone."

"Right... I'll try to remember that, Dr. Yamada."

* * *

"Mm, Mayoi-san, have you written your journal entry for today?" Tatsumi piped up from the doorway, hair still damp from his shower. It was like clockwork - the taller would go to shower, Mayoi would either write his journal entry or try and soothe himself if he was having a bad day, Tatsumi would come back to check up on him and help if he needed to. Mayoi found himself growing to like this routine. It brought a sense of stability to his life, one that he'd been needing for the longest time. He wasn't quite used to it just yet, but he was sure that'd change eventually.

"I have, Tatsumi-san... Sorry for troubling you with this every day." He mumbled that last bit, eyes trailing down to his fidgeting hands. He still hadn't put his gloves back on. He almost didn't want to. Almost.

"Hush... You're not troubling me at all. It's okay, I'm happy to help you in any way I can." The green-haired young man settled himself down beside Mayoi on the bunk bed, taking one of the smaller's scarred hands in his own and brushing his thumb over the bite marks on his knuckles.

The touch sent a shiver up his spine; not a bad one, but more one of unfamiliarity. No one had touched his bare hands like this before. "T... Thank you again, Tatsumi-san. For everything. It... It means a lot to me. More than you could know." His voice was wavering more than usual, and he felt as though he could cry.

"You don't have to thank me, Mayoi-san... I'm proud of you for having the courage to keep going. I mean that."

A sob escaped the shorter of the two, and he suddenly threw his arms around Tatsumi in a tight hug, tears starting to roll down his cheeks. "I-I do have to thank you...! You've been so kind to me - too kind, in fact...! If it were anyone else, they'd rightfully spit on me like the dirt I am, or call me disgusting and vile!! But you... You've been so supportive... I don't know how to handle it, sometimes...!"

Admittedly, the sudden embrace had caught Tatsumi off-guard. He'd never had someone cling onto him for dear life the same way Mayoi had before. Slowly, he returned the gesture, starting to rub gentle, soothing circles into his unit mate's back, a gentle smile gracing his lips. He fully planned to hold Mayoi like this for as long as he needed it.

And if that meant holding him all night, then so be it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you for reading this chapter if you stuck around. it really means a lot, and i genuinely didn't expect such a positive response to the first chapter of this fic. i'm still figuring out the posting schedule, if i should even have one at all, so please don't expect daily updates like this all the time!! i was just extra inspired to write but i didn't want to put out two chapters in one day sdfbds,, i definitely wanted to end the chapter off on a softer note since my hc for mayoi's backstory is sort of intense and i know that i didn't want this chapter to end on a sad/upsetting note  
> some of what i wrote was inspired by a conversation mayoiworld/milkystrawberry and i had in dms!! i had fun discussing hcs with her and i definitely wanted to include some of the stuff we talked about into the fic!!


	3. relapse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mayoi relapses.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter deals with self-harm and relapsing. if this sort of thing upsets you, then i implore you to take a step back or skip this chapter if you have to. i write this chapter because it's important to know that even when you're making good progress, you still have a potential to fall back into harmful behaviors. and that's okay. no one is perfect, and sometimes, there are days where it becomes too much. this chapter is also going to be a lot more free-form as to properly capture how it feels to relapse, at least for me. 
> 
> i love you, please take care of yourselves.

_Pick. Pick. Pick. Pick._

There's so much blood. It hurts. But he can't stop. His mind is a mess. Tatsumi is away right now. Aira and Hiiro are sleeping.

_Pick. Pick. Pick. Pick._

He has to count to 4 with each spot he picks at. It feels wrong if he doesn't. It feels unclean.

_Pick. Pick. Pick. Pick._

It's so late at night. How many hours has it been?

_Pick. Pick. Pick. Pick._

He brings a hand up to his mouth to force himself to stop. His teeth dig into the scarred, bloodied skin, drawing even more blood. His teeth are sharp. He can't tell which pain is worse.

_Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing._

He can't stop himself. It hurts so much. But he can't stop. He deserves this. He deserves this. He doesn't deserve to look at someone as pure as Aira. He would dirty that boy so much, even just by looking at him. He can't look. He can't look. He can't.

_Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing._

He doesn't even deserve someone as kind as Tatsumi in his support system. He should be alone. Alone, alone, alone, alone-- He deserves none of what he has. None of it. He's filthy, a monster, a vile excuse for a living creature.

_Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing._

He brings his other hand up to grab a fistful of his own hair and _pull_ \- it hurts. His sobbing is muffled by the hand in his mouth. His tongue is coated in the metallic taste of his own blood. This is what he deserves. This is what he gets for even daring to look at Aira - sweet, innocent, precious Aira. He doesn't deserve his kindness. No, if Aira only knew of his thoughts, Aira would spit in his face and call him scum, a disgusting, worthless pile of human garbage, and rightfully so. His thoughts were inappropriate. He was wrong.

_Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing. Gnawing._

Despicable.

_Pull._

Disgusting.

_Pull._

Useless.

_Pull._

Foul.

_Pull._

Evil--

"... Mayoi-san?"


	4. rebuilding

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mayoi puts himself back together, bit by bit.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i took a little break from writing for a little bit because i was starting to slowly burn myself out. i'm not exactly in the best of states right now, but i start feeling worse if i don't do anything, so i decided to write tonight.  
> this chapter deals with recovery and self-care, and will mention parts of chapter 3 and bits of tatsumisan's follow-up oneshot to it. if you think mentions of relapsing and self-harm will upset you, please remember that you are always free to skip chapters or take a step back. take care of yourselves. i love you.

"How has recovery been going, Mayoi-san?" Dr. Yamada gave the purple-haired young man an inquisitive look of concern. It had been a week and a half since Mayoi's relapse.

"It, ah... It's going alright, I think." Mayoi rubbed at one of his arms sheepishly as he squeezed the stress ball in his other gloved hand. "Tatsumi-san has been a big help ever since that night... He's bought me a few miniature sets to work on. I've started one already. I try and keep working on it whenever I start getting stressed, and I think it's going well..." He was fighting back the urge to apologize again. He couldn't stop himself from doing so ever since he broke down, but Dr. Yamada insisted that he had nothing to apologize for; that relapsing is normal, even if it's not necessarily good. Despite the sentiment, though, Mayoi couldn't shake the feeling that he was scum.

The therapist gave him a proud smile nonetheless, setting her pen down for a moment. "That's good to hear! May I ask what kind of set you're working on? My daughter likes that sort of thing, too. Not to make it sound like a feminine interest, of course."

The question caught him slightly off-guard, bringing him out from his thoughts. "Ah... It's, um, it's a cafe. Right now i'm in the process of putting together a majority of the cabinets. Staining each of the pieces was really therapeutic..."

"Oh, did Tatsumi-san get you some of those higher-end ones that include paint and wood varnish?" Dr. Yamada leaned in a little, tilting her head in interest. "I've considered getting one of those for my daughter, but I'm a bit worried that she's still a bit too young to mess with something like that."

"Actually, I like to use my own materials... A lot of the cheaper kits can be made into something nice if you get creative with them. It saves money, too, since a lot of the more expensive ones tend to not be worth the price... They're more restrictive to me." Mayoi felt himself starting to relax a little bit as the conversation went on. Being distracted from that night and going on a tangent about miniature sets was what he needed right now. As relieved as he was that everyone around him had been helping and supporting him trying to recover from it, thinking about it all the time to focus on not relapsing again was making his head hurt. "I've even made some decorations for some of the kits I've assembled in the past..."

"Do you know if you'll add some decorations to this one?"

Mayoi thought about it for a moment. Would he? Probably, right? The kit was pretty limited in decorations, and he preferred to make his dioramas look as cluttered and lived in as possible. Sometimes he'd imagine what kind of people would live in the little spaces he'd create - was this room more fitting for someone who liked to write? Or someone who liked to paint? Someone who liked to grow plants? Thinking about things like that, as silly as it felt, helped keep him creative. "Ah... Probably. I-I'm thinking of modeling it after a cafe on the Ensemble Square grounds... The rest of Alkaloid and I go there sometimes after practice. It's strangely cozy..."

* * *

Mayoi sat with Hiiro, Aira, and Tatsumi at their usual table. " _You came out looking a lot better today... How about we go out for some coffee and parfaits?_ " Tatsumi had suggested. While he didn't really want to, he knew it'd probably be better for him to get out for the day then to go straight back to the dorm and work. Breaks were healthy, after all. They had their usual orders; Aira - a strawberry milk tea with boba and strawberry parfait, Hiiro - a glass of water and anpan, Mayoi - a cappuccino and chocolate-matcha parfait, and Tatsumi - a cup of black coffee and a blueberry scone. The blonde teen was talking up a storm and taking pictures of his food as usual, while Hiiro was listening with intent interest, looking like Aira was all that the world consisted of in that moment.

He felt... slightly tense, sitting here with the rest of his unit. Usually he didn't, but his anxiety was starting to come back full-force. His leg wouldn't stop bouncing and his hands were starting to tremble. _Don't break down in public. Don't break down in public. Don't break down in public..._

Tatsumi was ever-observant, though. Underneath the table, he reached for Mayoi's bare hand, rubbing his thumb over his scarred and scabby knuckles soothingly. The shorter flinched a bit, slowly relaxing after a moment, his free hand reaching for his spoon to force himself to eat his parfait. He wasn't hungry, necessarily, but ordering parfaits had become a tradition for their unit when good things happened, big or small. His voiced was hushed as he spoke, "You know, you didn't have to order anything, Mayoi-san..."

"I know... But... I know I'll feel better after I eat, probably. I didn't have a very filling lunch today..." Mayoi took another bite. "A-and I'll feel better once we head back to the dorms. Being out in public is putting me on edge, juuust a little..."

The taller smiled softly at his fellow third-year, giving his hand a squeeze underneath the table. "I'll make sure to finish up quickly then so I can pay and leave Hiiro and Aira to their business... They look like they're having a good time. It'd be rude of us to interrupt, don't you think?" He received an aggressive nod in reply. "Mm, let's finish up, then."

The two finished their food and drinks quickly, getting up and wishing Hiiro and Aira a goodbye - one that would only be met with deaf ears, really - before going to the counter so Tatsumi could pay for their orders and leaving the cafe together, hand-in-hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just think that mayoi would run a variety asmr channel where he either cooks or makes dollhouses/dioramas  
> i remembered hanabira exists and i always think about how mayoi makes dollhouses so... i think mayoi would put as much time and care into making his dollhouses as hanabira does. also i asked tatsuchurch for their input on what drinks the boys would order so their orders were influenced by that input


	5. sustain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mayoi battles his inner demons once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter deals with intrusive thoughts, the ideation of harmful and abusive behavior, and allusions to child abuse, childhood sexual abuse, and pedophilia, as well as brief mentions to self-harm. this chapter will get intense, and it'll definitely be a shorter chapter dedicated to mayoi's psyche, but it will have a happier ending than chapter 3. as always, feel free to take a moment to step back or skip this chapter if you need to. i love you all, and please take care of yourselves.

Mayoi curled up inside of the ceiling vent, tucking his hands under the backs of his legs and trembling with effort not to start biting himself again. He couldn't bear to be in the same room with the rest of his unit, not right now, when he was having such harmful thoughts. His mind was in a complete haze of negativity, words and impulses swirling together like ink being poured into clear water and polluting it - like sins staining his very soul.

_It would be so much easier to cut them all off - to finally snap and show them just how vile I am._

_I don't deserve someone like Tatsumi. He doesn't know the full extent of how disgusting I can be. I could show him - treat him just how my own mother treated me. That's the only way he'll give up on me._

He balled his hands into white-knuckled fists, curling further into himself. He hated these thoughts - he didn't want to harm anyone like how he'd been harmed. It sickened him to know that this what his own personal void was calling for. They weren't the worst thoughts, of course, far from it; his worst was whenever he looked at people like Aira, Shinobu, and other youthful-looking, innocent boys. Those were the thoughts he inherited from his father. Those thoughts were enough to make him fall ill. He thanked God - Tatsumi's God - that those weren't the thoughts he was having tonight, or else he might have just hurt himself again and reset his progress back to 0 for a second time.

_It would be so easy to show them just how much of a monster I am. If only Tatsumi hadn't walked in back then... If only I could have shown them just how much of a degenerate I am back then...! If only they truly knew what they were getting into when they met me...! I deserve nothing!_

_I should sabotage one of our lives - drug their drinks with something and cause us all to make a fool of ourselves so that we get disbanded and laughed out of Ensemble Square. That would teach them to get involved with me._

_If they knew how badly I could hurt them, they'd be sorry that they'd ever met me._

He bit at his lower lip and shut his eyes tight as he whispered a hushed, hurried prayer. He'd found himself praying a lot more lately - whether it was of his own volition or a result of his fellow third-year's influence on him, he wasn't sure. But it brought him peace when he did it nonetheless. It was something he had discussed with Dr. Yamada in one of their past sessions - "If it brings you comfort when you're going through an episode or when you're feeling distressed, then I fully encourage you to integrate it into your grounding process, Mayoi-san," she'd told him. And he had, whether he realized it or not.

He took a deep breath, just as Tatsumi and Dr. Yamada had taught him, holding it for a few seconds before exhaling and repeating the process. He gradually drowned out his intrusive thoughts by counting to 4 in his head with each breath, and he could feel himself starting to decompress, starting from his hands, then to the muscles in his arms, shoulders, back, and then the rest of his body. The thoughts slowly faded away, and he could feel the fog in his brain starting to lift. He thought of Tatsumi and his kind, understanding therapist. Of Aira and Hiiro, his friends and unit mates. Of Shinobu, the head of their little Ninja Association and someone who was starting to become a close friend of Mayoi's in his own right.

He said another quick prayer - thanking whatever God was watching for letting him be able to calm himself down before things got worse - and lifted up the ceiling tile to crawl back down into his unit's shared dorm. He felt better enough to allow himself to be in the same vicinity as everyone else, and better enough was all he needed. He would just need to update his journal entry for tonight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> forgive me for naming the chapter after sustain++ by mili, it's really not meant to be a song/lyric fic or chapter, but i felt that it was a thematically appropriate title considering the subject matter of both the song and the chapter. if you go to listen to the song, please be warned that there are some mentions of unsavory nsfw topics in both the lyrics and the coding references in the MV, as well as mentions to abuse and gaslighting. tread with caution if those topics might upset/trigger you.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [shifted paradigm](https://archiveofourown.org/works/24210871) by [identityv](https://archiveofourown.org/users/identityv/pseuds/identityv)




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